What I'm Most Thankful for this Christmas

I need to be studying, but I am having trouble concentrating,

as I think about the trials my friends are currently experiencing:

Loss of a job
Loss of a marriage
Loss of a pregnancy
Loss of a child
Loss of a mother

I don't have the answers.
Perhaps that's what eternity is for:
Time to process, learn, develop perspective, heal.

But, my testimony in President Monson as a prophet and mouthpiece of our Father in Heaven has grown tonight as I have searched for answers and comfort. I want to know that there is meaning in loss that seems so often empty and pointless. President Monson offers counsel here on how to obtain peace when losses have us frustrated, downtrodden, and discouraged.

"Frequently, death [and I add, infertility, divorce, job loss, and other heartaches and disappointments in life's noble endeavors] comes as an intruder. It is an enemy that suddenly appears in the midst of life’s feast, putting out its lights and its gaiety. Death lays its heavy hand upon those dear to us and, at times, leaves us baffled and wondering... But to those bereaved, the Master’s promise of peace is the comforting balm which heals: “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."

Our mortal world is fallen, corrupted.
It has abundant pain and inadequate peace.
One of my goals in 2010 is to share this gospel with others.
Everyone needs the peace that only our Savior can give.

Because, now more than ever, I know that

"Surely He hath borne our griefs and carried our sorrows...
And with His stripes we are healed."
Isaiah 53:4-5

It's Tree Time!

"Hang a shining star upon the highest bough!"
Frederico Christmas Trees is open now!
Friday, November 27 at 10 am

If you follow popular LDS bloggers, you may have seen one of our lots before:

Look familiar? It's Naomi and Josh from Rockstar Diaries, photographed by Nicole Hill Gerulat of a little sussy! She asked to use our Orem State Street location last year for a special photo shoot and I was thrilled because I love both blogs. I missed the shoot because I was in class. Boo. But, it's been fun to see the great photographs from this shoot surprise me now and then in my Google Reader (Blogged about here and here, here and here, and here).

Working in a family business is a lot of stress and fun. But more fun. It's exciting to see all of our hard work come together, and enjoyable to see families soaking up the magic of Christmas, picking out their perfect tree, knowing that they'll have fond memories celebrating under a tree from our family lot.

But the stress - some years the trees are not great. One year, Russ, my father-in-law, flew up to Oregon to pick out the tree field he'd be purchasing from. The grower said the trees would have one final pruning (essential for helping the trees stay in that gorgeous cone shape) before he shipped them out in November. Well, once he closed the deal, the grower abandoned that field. But this year! This year Russ flew up to Oregon later in the summer, after the time for final pruning, so he was able to buy with confidence. And I am confident you'll find that beautiful tree your family is looking for. The trees look and smell magical.

Come on down! Become a fan on Facebook of Frederico Christmas Trees and mention that to receive $5.00 off your purchase of $19.99 or more.

American Fork lot: 183 North West State Road at the former location of Cafe Victoria.

Orem University Pkwy lot: 45 W University Pkwy, at the former location of Barber Brothers' car dealership.

Orem State St. lot: 440 South State Street, north of Planted Earth antique store (Not south! Our competitor's lot is south. So, if you're facing Planted Earth, we'd love to have you go to the right. Hey - "choose the right!" Oh please forgive me for just saying that).

Hours: M-F 10 am - 9 pm, Saturday 10 am - 9:30 pm. Closed Sunday.

Trees: Noble, Grand, and Fraser firs, all from Oregon, shipped in weekly.

Have fun picking out and trimming your lovely Christmas tree!

By the way, do you mind telling me your favorite tree decorating style? I'd love some inspiration. Also, let me know if you plan on coming by so I can check my work schedule and be there. I'd love to see you!

All photos by Nicole Hill Gerulat for Rubberball. Used with written permission.

Why I'm Thankful for my Husband #761

On Sunday night Monday morning at 12:05 am, as we were driving home from a nice Sunday dinner and movie-watching evening at Nathan's parents' house, Nathan, Chloe and I noticed that the line at In-N-Out Burger, which we have eagerly waited for since my dear friend Em posted her delicious rumor that it might be coming to Utah County soon, was not 3/4 of a mile long.

We love In-N-Out. Did I tell you we were In-N-Out employees for Halloween? We're also the crazy ones who would drive around the construction site weekly this fall and take pictures. Yeah, we're obsessed.

Anyway, back to Sunday night err, Monday morning! We had not yet dined there, though it had been in operation nearby for over 85 hours after opening on Thursday morning, November 19! Realizing that it was now definitely MONDAY, not Sunday, Nathan crossed a few lanes of traffic and directed us towards french fried dreams. Those delicious shakes! The freshly baked buns!

See, only about 10 cars. Much less than 80.

Chloe deciding that this is so worth staying up past her bedtime.

I love being spontaneous with my very best friend.

So, on Thanksgiving and every day, I am thankful that I am able to spend my life with my best friend and share with him all my secrets, all my doubts, all my frustrations, all my joys. Having him present in my life amplifies each emotion in a beautiful way that makes me whole. My heart is aching for the news of the young married man who passed away in the Nutty Putty cave early this morning. I can't fathom the magnitude of his wife's grief. I love Nathan and I truly try to treasure every day together. I hope we all hold our loves very close this holiday season and never take for granted the great blessing it is to have them in our lives.

Or the great blessing of a new In-N-Out down the street. The caramelized onions!

I Just Haven't Met You Yet

I know you're tired of me writing about this, but when I sit to write, this is all I really think about. So much to process. So, bear with me and I'll post fun things soon.

I know. I know. I know
it's a song about romantic love,
but while the love I'm waiting for is not romantic,
(I've got that covered thanks to handsome Mr. Fred)
it most certainly is a powerful love I have for my someday baby-to-be.

So certain lines of this optimistic song really speak to my soul.

"I Just Haven't Met You Yet"

I'm not surprised,
Not everything lasts,
I've broken my heart so many times I stopped keeping track.
Talk myself in,
I talk myself out,
I get all worked up,
Then I let myself down,

I tried so very hard not to lose it;
I came up with a million excuses,
I thought I thought of every possibility,

[Chorus]

I might have to wait, I’ll never give up,
I guess it's half timin', and the other half's luck,
Wherever you are, Whenever it's right,
You'll come outta nowhere and into my life.

And I know that we can be so amazin',
And baby your love is gonna change me,
And now I can see every possibility,

Chorus:
Somehow I know that it’ll all turn out,
You'll make me work so we can work to work it out,
And promise you kid, I'll give so much more than I get,
I just haven't met you yet.*



Thanks friends for supporting me through my dark moments.
Heavenly Father's promises are sure.
I know this will all turn out.
It will, it will, it will!

p.s. *Not in this slice of life - but I believe that our family members are known and loved by us before Earth. And that Heavenly Father has a plan for each of us. This knowledge brings peace and purpose to my life. Learn more here.

Mercy

More from "Nearer My God To Thee":
"Then let the way appear, steps unto Heaven,
All that Thou sendest me in mercy given."

Today I am grateful for the wonderful
tender mercies Heavenly Father has sent me:

Wonderful friends
who have gone out of their way in showing their love
A loving, supportive husband
who puts my needs for comfort above his own
Rekindled friendships
with strong, courageous women
My fantastic family
that fills my life with so much happiness
A wonderful ward
that fills my life with opportunities to serve
My amazing students
who make me excited to get out of bed each day
A proactive doctor
who is willing to listen and take special care of my case
A healthy body
that defied expectations and did not need a D & C and anesthesia
The Comforter
for filling me with indescribable peace and optimism

What tender mercies has Heavenly Father sent you lately?

Dear Santa

I'd love to see this in my stocking.
I love it.
It's made by a woman who has adopted two darling boys.
So she knows the refining beauty of the word "eventually."

Because the miracle of motherhood will come to my life.
Eventually.

Hollowed or Hallowed?

Once again, it is Halloween.

For most, this means grinning Jack-o-Lanterns, candy wrappers, and late-night costume crafting.

For me, by some nearly incomprehensible turn in life,
my body is spending this Halloween week
in the same process it engaged in last Halloween week:
Miscarrying a baby.

This week has lent itself to great reflection. What might these twin experiences mean to me as I move on purposefully, with direction and insight to guide my life? In this trial, can I find a difference - can I seek the better part - between being hollowed and feeling hallowed?

You see, for a year I have felt that the miscarriage hollowed me.

The symbolism of emptiness abounds following a loss like this. The empty nursery, empty time, empty rocking chair, and empty bath tub echoed my physical emptiness: Where a heart had been beating, remained a hollow womb; when my due date arrived, my arms had nothing to gather and hold. The thought often crossed my mind that someone had invaded and robbed me of my greatest treasure.

As I turned for relief to church attendance, I felt spiritually and emotionally empty: In a church that focuses often on 1) The blessings in a woman's life of motherhood and 2) Faith yielding blessings of healing and wholeness, I felt broken in every sense of the word. Like a shattered teapot with a piece subtracted, how could I be both reassembled and whole? Where was I remiss in my faithfulness? Were not my sobbing pleadings in prayer, priesthood blessings, and diligent searchings of scriptures, all on behalf of the high purpose of giving life, of being a co-creater with the divine, consistent with the path I was exhorted to take?

As an ultrasound yesterday confirmed that this difficult journey needs to be traversed yet again, I have recognized that rather than the hollowing, I should choose to see the hallowing, the opportunity "to make pure and holy" that the Lord has offered me for two autumn seasons.

I see the hallowing of myself begin as I accept that my body is not my own, that of it's outcome I have little control. As Elder Oaks reminded us in General Conference, whosoever shall lose themselves for Christ's sake will find themselves. Pregnancy involves losing oneself - losing your energy, losing your sleep, losing your time, losing your body. In miscarriage, too, I lose possibilities and hopes for the future. But, when I choose to see it as losing myself for Christ's sake, for the sake of all I am to gain in this mortal experience, I find myself in newfound strength and courage, new appreciation for the majesty and mystery of life, and renewed compassion and capacity to aid those suffering around me.

Oaks also quoted C.S. Lewis, who teaches, "The moment you have a self at all, there is a possibility of putting yourself first—wanting to be the center—wanting to be God, in fact."
While on the surface, I focused this past year on the hollowing, in retrospect, all I was truly focusing on was myself, my plans, and my future that was not meant to be. As I embark on this process again, I am reminded that God must be at the helm of my life. Not only will He direct me, but in His grace, He gives me the peace that "all things shall give [me] experience, and shall work for [my] good," that these miscarriages were not losses of life experience, but additions purposefully placed in my path. As I submit my own will, God will light the better way. In volunteering my plans, He will ennoble a greater purpose.

It is a delicate balance. The very act of my surrender feels like an emptying, the hollowing I fear. And in the absence of my control, I must remain vigilant to prevent fear from filling what I viewed in the past as a void. As I leave that space for the Lord, for Him to fill me with His grace and purpose, I grow to be what He wants me to be. So rather than a hollow space I crave filling with another pregnancy, I know the Lord can make me whole and hallowed with whatever experiences He sees fit to bless me. Though I know that the physical pain will be great, I think of the beautiful insight I gained two weeks ago from this powerful prose I've sung hundreds of times, from "Nearer my God to Thee":

Nearer my God to Thee, Nearer to Thee.
E'en though it be a cross that raiseth me.

It is our personal crosses that raise us heavenward, that minimize the chasm between our ways and God's ways. Though the pain is often great to bear, it acquaints us with the divine -
both that which is directing us and that which is within each of us.
And with that acquaintance, born of the Spirit, I am never truly hollow.

A beautiful knowledge to gain this All Hallow's Eve.